'Cause I can't do this alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

For the past 7 years, I have always felt like I needed to be strong for everyone around me. I always feel like I need to be the shoulder to cry on, the listener, and too often I overstep my boundaries as the advisor. We have endured so much grief, pain, suffering, confusion, broken hearts, etc..., but with God, we have found healing, love, comfort, hope, passion, and ambition.

So I don't know why I still feel like I should be the protector, the counselor, the strongest.

Because, well, I am just so far from that. I am always carrying struggles for everyone else, that I forget to take care of myself. 

This week, Chad is out of town, he leaves for about a week each month for work, so I am used to it. It busies my days though, I have to get everyone up, out and to school and myself to work on time, then I have to leave early to pick them up, I have to do baths, dinner, play time, kiss boo-boos, take BOTH kids to the grocery store when we run out of milk, and etc. etc. Two full time jobs might even be an understatement.. Usually I can handle it, because part of me thinks I can run circles around most mom's my age. But this morning i woke up, and I felt exhausted. Not sick, not in pain, not even tired, I felt like my emotional energy was running on empty and I wanted so bad to call into work and just sit around with the kids. But that's not what Super Mom does, so I had to drag myself out of the house with the kids and go about my day. 

And at just the right moment, God placed this Sanctus Real song into my Pandora station. I had it set on Coldplay, and I've never heard a Christian Rock song come through that station before. But God knew I needed to hear the song and know that I should be looking to him to be strong for me. I should be trusting him to provide, and protect, and it's okay to just be still, and know. I should be begging God to guide me, and lead me. I can't do this alone. No one can, and I wouldn't even be setting a good example to the boys without being honest with my vulnerability, inabilities and  weaknesses.

Today, I am promising to lay down my pride, and let the Father lead me..

Today, I am vowing to myself, to let go, and let God.

What is Unseen

This is not a typical post of mine. It does not tell the story of some crazy argument I had with my two year old about it being selfish to expect that we play Mickey Mouse on all 3 televisions in the house, and even the portable DVD players?? Doesn't he realize that "Shake your peanut" song to get the baby elephant out of the tree is already an anthem in our home? And what is a "hot dog dance" anyway??

Although, life would be a little more simple if that was the biggest of my battles. But it's not, and I am proud that its not, because I have some good news for those of you who have been given a hand that is similar to mine. For those of you that find it hard to put your feet on the ground each morning, for those of you who don't understand why life becomes more difficult when you invite Jesus into your heart, well let me tell you, you are not alone. You are blessed.



I struggle with some inner demons and negative emotions, I find it easy to feel worthless. I never question my faith or my savior, or my God, but I question how faithful I am. It's not easy for me to let go of all control and hand it over to God. This leads to anxiety, I jump to conclusions. This leads to failure, because I put expectations that are unrealistic on myself and others. This failure leads to depression, and unfortunately, among other reasons, depression is going to be a life long battle for me.

As I was doing some research for myself and my husband about praying for this illness of mine and how to cope I found this verse... and I did not see it coming....

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.                                                       Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

Woah!
Did you see that??
...AFFLICTION (pain/suffering) PREPARES US FOR ETERNITY....
need I elaborate on that??  let's see what Jesus thinks...


 Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.                                                                                                   Matthew 5:10 (ESV)


There it is again!! 
BLESSED are those who are persecuted (those who SUFFER). Wow.
So it is actually a privilege to endure and to suffer!!
This is some good stuff.
...for righteousness sake... for living for God, for following Jesus..


I don't know about you guys, but the moment I was born again and stepped out of the baptizing water, I met Satan face to face, I let him know I am ready to fight the good fight and he better watch out because I have a God who loves me, a god who will not leave me alone, a God who is forever present, and a God who brings comfort and protection. Now that I have proclaimed publicly and committed this life to God, I have the privilege of suffering for him. I am being prepared for the kingdom of heaven, because it's mine. Because I am willing to take on this suffering,  this persecution and this affliction to honor, live for, and die for My God and Jesus, because he did the same for me.


And it doesn't stop there, we sometimes think that worldly things hold any value.  We sometimes think that a nice home, clothes, car, more money, or even a perfect body, and easy marriage a perfect upbringing, etc. means we are living the right way that we are successful, that we are being rewarded with all these wordly things.
No. You cannot get the kingdom of heaven without muddling through the gates of suffering and persecution. So we shouldn't be looking forward to SEEING our accomplishments, on this earth. It is what is UNSEEN (sometimes difficult to understand or believe) that are eternal.

...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2. looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
                                                                                                                Hebrews 12:1-2(ESV)

He set the example of suffering for righteousness. His momentary affliction prepared him for eternity, and now the kingdom of heaven is his.

      

  Let MY love be the proof of YOUR love.

It's the Little Feet Behind You that are Sure to Follow..

So, anyone who really knows me, knows I have a heart for Christ. 

Sometimes I feel like people mention prayer, and church, and God to get the respect of others, or to make themselves feel good about who they want to be or portray themselves to be.

Those people get on my nerves.

I was not born a follower of Christ. I was not taught at an early age who he was or what he did for us. I was not raised in church. I actually remember being told that all of it was a state of mind. 

Becoming an adult I remember telling a friend that I didn't feel like I needed God because I am already a good person and I should get to heaven for that reason.

 Little did I know what was in store for me a few months down the road, and little did I know that God was so much more than a "path to heaven." 

Summer of 2007, I lost someone very close to me. Like very close. It was so painful, and so sudden, and so confusing, but I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of something, or someone, literally covering me in peace and purpose. Don't get me wrong, this loss caused lots of suffering and lots of tears and many sleeplessness nights, but that July Jesus walked straight up to me, made me fall totally in love with him and has lead me down a path of healing and has given me reason to wake up each morning. There have been times in my walk where I have really messed up, and times where I have been respected and even sought out for advice, but at the end of each day, sinner or saint, this Miraculous God of mine has continued to love me, and bless me, strengthen me and mold me to become the person I am created to be, and to serve my purpose.

So here I am today in this "purpose" easier recognized as chaos! 

Married, with not one, but TWO toddler boys!!! 

This is where it has gotten difficult. Anyone who has children knows that there is more to them than hide and seek, spiderman, and birthday parties. 

-You actually have to feed these guys! 

-You have to wipe their butt! You have to give them baths! (and its usually with you) 

and one of the most difficult tasks, you actually have to somehow 

-convince (aka force) or bribe this child to actually sleep for an extended period of time. 

i have to admit we haven't mastered that one yet. 

That's not even half the job! Along the way we realized it actually costs our hard earned money to keep these children alive! These kids don't even clean up after themselves! Can you believe that?? How dare these children smush blue play-dough into our carpet?! 

How dare they go into the pantry and eat sugar straight out of the bag with their bare hands! 

How dare they attempt to feed the cat without supervision, and 

don't even get me started on toilets and sinks!!!! 

And yet, these precious little faces are forgiven each time. EACH time, forgiven. You must think I am some push over. You must think these kids are undisciplined. You might even think these kids are SPOILED. Well here is what I think, I think these moments are the most perfect opportunities to teach and to learn.

I may not go to church every Sunday, and I don't open my bible every day, but I do seek counsel and guidance through prayer more times a day than I can count. And throughout these moments, I pray for patience, I ask God what he wants me to gain from these little moments. Some times I am teaching the boys how to SERVE, and how to ASK for forgiveness. Sometimes I even find myself asking THEM to forgive me. But no matter what, these children are loved unconditionally, the way God loves us. And every time I get upset, frustrated, disappointed or offended, by my OWN children, it would be so much easier to just yell, cuss, spank, or lock them in a room, but I have to stop and think about how often I personally have done this to God, OUR Father, and the LOVE (not wrath) he drowned me in..

We talk to the boys about God, we read the stories, we let them know God is boss, and we remind them of the things God likes, and dislikes in our behavior. We talk about love and forgiveness and we teach them to serve others. I will never be a perfect mother, or wife, or person, but one thing I refuse to be, is a bad example. There is enough sin in the world to threaten the heart of my innocent little hearts.

Marriage and Parenthood has been the most difficult time in my walk with Christ, but also the most rewarding. I have learned a lot about what it means to truly LOVE, and to try to demonstrate perfection the way Jesus did, or to Sacrifice. 

I am eager to see what God will do with these little hearts..

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow